Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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