Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
