Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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