Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
