this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
