I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
