if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
