More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
