Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
