I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
