i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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