Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
