thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
