We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
