theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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