ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
