Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
