I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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