Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
