Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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