i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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