Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
