member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
