im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
