I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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