god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
