There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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