so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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