haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
