I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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