NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize