Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
