If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
