My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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