How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
