dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
