I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
