i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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