if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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