Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
