I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS