girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.