i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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