I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
