i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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