You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude. I can hear the air.
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