you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
