so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
