my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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