I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
