Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
