During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
