We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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