I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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