Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
