I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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