You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
